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i have a phone interview in 9 minutes, i'm so nervous. it's literally my only prospect rn and i'm just uuuuufasfsdfalsgh. i hate talking on the phone ;__; i haven't really prepared at all either because i'm stupid and preparing was stressing me out.
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I HATE WRITING COVER LETTERS. hate hate hate hate

but i applied for two jobs today, yay okay.

i've pretty much decided i only want to work for non-profits or in government atm so that's what i'm going for first, then hit the architecture firms. what is the point of this dumb degree anyway, i don't even want to do architecture. whatevz.
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I never know where to post anymore, tumblr or lj. I usually post on tumblr but tumblr is dumb, why am I on there? I like following the pretty architecture/design blogs, I guess.

I said I was going to apply for jobs today and I bookmarked a bunch of things to apply for but haven't done any actual applying. Just loooounging. Dumb.
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I have turned off because it's another program that uses memory, but it's probably a good thing because I am listening to some embarrassing shit. Dolly is my default I'm-stressed-need-happy-music music, but I've also been listening to tons of bad italo non-ironically. Some italo I genuinely think is good, some of it is good in a campy sort of silly way, and a lot of it is just plain bad but funny (usually directly related to the hilarity of the music video).

Example of the kind of shit I'm jamming to:


I wish computers were faster :( I need a fast DCL computer but they are
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I just watched Big, thinking 'cute Tom Hanks movie with Tom Hanks being cute, sounds great!' and I remembered liking it a lot but WHAT THE FUCK IT IS A BLATANT ENDORSEMENT FOR PEDOPHILIA. Not cool. I need to watch another Hanx movie though because ilh.
I was feeling really good, like motivated and happy and energetic, and then I went for a walk and moved my car and ate some cake and the small dose of reality just exhausted me. When you sit in a chair for hours with nothing but adrenaline and panic and caffeine keeping you going it's easy to get in the zone and not realize that you're basically a zombie. ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE
idk what to watch anymore. I watched a bunch of stand up. I could finish Freaks and Geeks, but it was not everything that I wanted it to be. What I need is comedy. And that show is fucking funny, but it's too involved and good and not what I need. Krystan got me onto the 'Positive Hip Hop' station on Pandora-- it is really had to be grumpy when you're listening to this roller rink music. I need more entertainment, though. Parks is truly perfect for this situation, which is why I have been obsessed with it. It's hilarious and heartwarming and smart without making you think. You don't need to pay attention but you don't feel like they think you're dumb, either. It is exactly what I need in a show. But I can only watch Parks so many times... I have only watched most of the episodes twice; once when they aired and once on rewatch. But all my favs I've seen like 4+ times recently. idc, maybe I will just watch Woman of the Year again. Or Telethon. Or The Fight or The Bubble. I have watched so many times I now know the names of my fav episodes. The files are named on my computer, it's not my fault I learn. WHATEVER RN I AM WATCHING IT, I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS EPISODE, DON'T JUDGE ME. Watching Telethon now, idc, it's such an amazing episode. Probably my second favorite after The Fight, both written by Amy Poehler, who is clearly amazing. Perd Hapley doing the worm is the fucking funniest thing in the world. "What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley?" Anytime Ron says "what the fuck" I die, Nick Offerman has the best delivery, plus the blurred out mustache. WHAT THE FUCK IS A GERMAN MUFFIN? And Leslie describing the box episode of Friends. Sleep fighting. Why is this episode so good?
I also drink 16 oz of water roughly every 45 minutes and then pee because it's a nice break. Instead of stress eating I'm stress drinking water. Can I overdose on water? I am drinking so much water. Hydrated as shit, though.

K now I'm watching Parks, w/e. I have seen it and it still makes me lol more than anything else I have watched. I am really fucking tired though AM I DRUNK i feel drunk i did have kombucha but idk idk

i am soooooooooooo tired i almost fell asleep on the TOILET where is my 2nd wiiind
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I am waiting for Illustrator to open right now and it's being slow enough that I am taking a mini-break to write this super inane entry. And when I say inane, I mean inane. My life is pretty inane rn.

So this was my most reblogged post on tumblr, by far:

With 99 notes (ps one of you should 'like' it for an even 100). Since most of my posts get like 1 or 2 notes, I was pretty excited, because I was like 'fuck yeah Dolly!' because Dolly is just that fierce/rad/amazing and look how beautiful she looks! I thought it would be forever my most noted post as a tribute to my flawless queen (and ps I AM GOING TO DOLLYWOOD IN A FEW WEEKS AAAAAAAWWWW YEEEEAAAAAH I feel bad because I think they have some animal stuff there but idk I mean it's Dolly).

Of course now that I've started making Parks gifs I get more reblogs on my posts because tumblr loves Parks (AS EVERYONE SHOULD TBH). While watching the last episode I got so excited about Ben wearing a cardigan that I made a post about it:

With something dumb like 'BEN'S WEARING A CARDIGAN, THAT IS ALL'

And it got more notes than Dolly. My first post with 100+ notes. idk I am kind of disappointed but I can't blame tumblr, I mean he's wearing a cardigan. I got reblogged on a blog called 'cardigan love' or something because I tagged it as 'cardigan'.

The internet is just so pointless sometimes all the time. OKAY ILLUSTRATOR IS OPEN.

Okay I thought posting something inane would make me feel better because I didn't want to post about stress but I don't really feel better, I still just want to stress post. I don't know how the timing for laser cutting is going to work and agh my life and agh I have to drive to Portland tomorrow for a job interview and I JUST CAN'T. The way my scheduling is gonna work for the next few days is just so inefficient for getting things done, it really sucks. I am really not going to finish everything I wanted to finish.

Oh my god this is due in like 10 days, I can't. I can't and I won't and it isn't.
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woo woo, stress post!

So I'm basically using Parks & Rec as a coping mechanism for stress and studio-induced depression, I can admit that. After I rewatched the series I stopped and watched other stuff and then I was like 'you know what, I could be watching Parks & Rec again' so now I'm powering through my favorite episodes. IDGAF.

Also, someone commented in an ONTD post the other day that Ben Wyatt ruined men for them. Pretty much. His character must have been scientifically engineered to be as endearing as possible. I mean he let Leslie do sexy impressions of high-powered female politicians and was into it... His psychotic freakout on Perd Hapley and his faces while everyone watches it. His reaction to Leslie's mom. One of those episodes needs to be an Emmy submission. And Ben's not even my favorite character (Nick Offerman should really get an Emmy but whatever). Also, bravo stylists. I feel like ill-fitting khakis or something would be more appropriate to his character given he is supposed to be kind of socially inept and a huge nerd, but I definitely do not mind those slim-fitting plaid shirts, Members Only jackets and skinny pants (which seem to get tighter every episode, idk, not like I'm paying attention or anything...). And his HAIR. He's way too attractive and hip for his character tbh but I really don't care.

I'LL NEVER GET OVER THIS SHOW. Don't ask me to, it's pointless. Except that I just finished The Bubble and now I don't know what to do with myself.

I need to WORK. I went to the library to write some stuff for my presentation and I did that for awhile but now look at him. I might as well be up watching Pride & Prejudice (which is totally playing on the big screen in studio). UGH. And I have this interview on Tuesday and I'm supposed to cut my model tomorrow and I haven't even started making the files yet and UGH UGH UGH this is why I keep watching Parks. How can I be stressed about my project when such adorable things are happening?
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I wish I could photoshop my life with better decisions. Fucking myself over yet again.

I was having such bad anxiety today that I went home and spent like two hours just calming myself down and I actually somewhat succeeded, but now I am too relaxed to work, and when I think about trying to work or the fact that I'm not working the anxiety comes back and makes me feel terrible.

When I ride airplanes, I don't actually get motion sick, but I do panic that I am going to get motion sick and the stress makes me actually sick. That's what I feel like. My anxiety about having anxiety that will prohibit me from working is giving me anxiety that is prohibiting me from working and the only way to not feel terrible is to not work, which ultimately just makes it a thousand times worse.

I'm going to do some 'yoga for will power and mental focus' and hopefully that will help a little bit. I plan to wake up early tomorrow and because the pressure is on now, I will probably actually do it. I find I only work well early morning and late at night. Otherwise the fact that everybody else is going happily about their days distracts me and stresses me out.
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I'm pretty sure this post is vague enough to spoiler-free.

Now that Parks is over I have nothing to look forward to. It was a nice distraction from the horrible precipice of graduation and NOW I HAVE NOTHING. And this weekend is going to be a big pain in the ass because I really, really, really need to get off my fucking ass and work, like hardcore. Today was a nice break, but oh my god, I mean I have so much to do. Ugh it's nuts.

Also re: Parks: after the rewatch, I think it's pretty compelling the way they are dealing with Leslie. When the show started, she wanted it all and seemed so far off from having any of it. The pit was at a standstill and she seemed like a relatively ineffective government worker. I can't wait to see how her dynamic changes as she deals with the results of her hard work actually paying off, especially with the obvious personal conflicts.


lol I just heard my roommate 'oh no', he is watching the finale rn.